This is bad.
I can't write because I'm too overwhelmed. My brain seizes, and the words won't come out. It's because I won't focus. It's because I can't focus. I'm missing it all because I'm staring at a screen.
Last night, I read half of a book, and I forgot I had a Twitter. While that may sound silly, it's true. I genuinely forgot about my computer and my feeds, and this morning, when I awoke to countless emails, a few Facebook notifications, a direct message from Twitter and I was 16 hours behind my feed, I wondered how I had gotten so behind. And then I remembered that I had honestly forgotten to get caught up because I was reading a book about a militant feminist.
I'm a reader, more than anything else. I don't care about what people have to say on Facebook. And while I love Twitter, most of what I see there I could easily find out by just reading a newspaper -- just one newspaper during only one period of the day. Why do I feel obsessed? Why must I know what's going on all the time?
This is what I want to do. I want to read and write. Sure, I want to connect with people and interact, too, but not in the same way as I want to read. I love to read.
Also, I want to notice things. I want to see the world, not a filtered image of it through Instagram. I don't want to hear about it in 140 characters. And I certainly don't want to see it or hear about it through some poorly written, garbled version on Facebook (if you can't tell, I don't like Facebook, at all). And can I just add that I don't care about a six-second version either?
Most importantly, I'm tired of living my life for others. While this may seem dramatic, it's not entirely incorrect. When I [insert correction action for particular social media], it's to an audience. What if instead I lived my life the way I want to? Without caring about people seeing it. I don't want to feel constantly watched.
Instead, I want to watch things. I want to go adventures. Who cares if other people don't see it? Who cares if I don't Instagram my rock climbing trip? Do people really care that I went to a concert and was five feet away from the band? How about I stop caring what people think. How about I stop caring about the outside view and look for myself.
I think we're all missing it. The world, the view, the ideas, the feeling of being alive, all of it. I think we're so bound by these rules and social media and sharing and connecting and liking and favoriting and double-clicking for hearts that we have no idea how to just be.
I have no idea how to wait in a line anymore. I have no idea how to sit still. I don't know how to have a clear head. I don't know how to not have my hand clenched around my phone "just in case." I don't know how to not feel an overwhelmingly pressure to appease and please. And so quickly, too.
I want to end this by sharing a video of a world I probably would never have seen before. Because eventually, I'll stop looking up at the sky. And I'll stop seeing the world. But this guy did, and he did it for two and a half years, and it's beautiful.